Feelings Vs. Judgments
I love the scientific approach of the Gottman Method for relationship therapy. They provide basic skills and tools for folks to ensure you are engaging and loving your significant other in healthy ways. On their website, you will find these tools. One of my favorites is the blog in which they discuss in more detail these tools. I recommend that you register to receive biweekly emails with these tools and blog entries.
The Gottmans are known for their work on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marriage. They are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Watch this video for more on these topics.
MARRIAGE MINUTE
In this week’s Marriage Minute, they write about ways to speak in order to avoid Contempt. If you want to talk more about these aspects in relationships, Revitalist has therapists that can help. In the meantime, here is the article:
Contempt is a tricky thing. It’s destructive to the love in a relationship, and yet it can be insidious.
Often, subtle forms of contempt feel perfectly justified—”I’m standing up for myself,” or “I’m just telling it like it is.” But what you may not realize is that you’re standing up for yourself against your partner, putting yourselves in opposition to each other.
So while contempt may seem like the expression of genuine feeling, it’s actually an expression of negative judgment.
Try to practice expressing yourself with feelings and longings that can unite you and your partner, rather than judgments that can divide.
For example:
“It scares me when you drive fast!”
vs
“Why can’t you drive more like I do?”
“I felt embarrassed at the party when you left to chat with your friends and I didn’t have anyone to talk to.”
vs
“I would never abandon you like that!”
“The way you’re reacting is really unexpected for me. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
vs
“You need help.” Contempt is a tricky thing. It’s destructive to the love in a relationship, and yet it can be insidious.
Often, subtle forms of contempt feel perfectly justified—”I’m standing up for myself,” or “I’m just telling it like it is.” But what you may not realize is that you’re standing up for yourself against your partner, putting yourselves in opposition to each other.
So while contempt may seem like the expression of genuine feeling, it’s actually an expression of negative judgment.
Try to practice expressing yourself with feelings and longings that can unite you and your partner, rather than judgments that can divide.
For example:
“It scares me when you drive fast!”
vs
“Why can’t you drive more like I do?”
“I felt embarrassed at the party when you left to chat with your friends and I didn’t have anyone to talk to.”
vs
“I would never abandon you like that!”
“The way you’re reacting is really unexpected for me. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
vs
“You need help.”
Photo by Joseph Frank on Unsplash
